Jonathan
Making Friends
A friend is a trusted confidant to whom I am mutually drawn as a companion and ally, whose love for me is not dependent on my performance, and whose influence draws me nearer to the Lord.
— Jerry White
Friendship is one of life's greatest gifts. "Without friends no one would choose to live, though possessed of all other advantages," said Aristotle.
I'll never forget Brian's Song, the movie about Gale Sayers' and Brian Piccolo's friendship. Sayers and Piccolo were running backs for the Chicago Bears in 1967-1969. In 1969, Piccolo discovered he had cancer. Despite his efforts to beat the disease and make a comeback, his condition worsened and he died.
The Football Writers Association awarded the George Halas Award that year to Piccolo at their annual banquet in
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New York City. Sayers accepted the award for his friend, and when the moment came, he muttered only two sentences: "I accept this award for Brian Piccolo. I loved Brian Piccolo."
Such friendships are rare — so rare they're frequently celebrated in story and song. We wonder if we will ever find such a friend.
There's an old story that reveals a lot about friendship. It's the account of Jonathan and David's remarkable relationship. In the end David said of Jonathan, "Your love for me was miraculous!"
Affinity
The story of Jonathan and David begins after David's duel with Goliath. David reported to Jonathan's father, King Saul, and then the writer tells us that, "Jonathan became one in spirit with David and he loved him as himself" (1 Samuel 18:1).
Aristotle defined friendship as a "single soul, dwelling in two bodies" — similar to the expression the biblical author uses here, which is literally, "The soul of Jonathan was bonded to the soul of David."
When Jonathan saw David, he felt an immediate affection for him. "He loved him as himself." Jonathan instinctively recognized that he and this long-haired, wild-eyed young man were made of the same stuff; both were outrageous, courageous, go-for-broke men.
We first meet Jonathan in the Bible, when he "smote the Philistine outpost at Geba" (1 Samuel 13:3), an act of rugged heroism that mobilized Israel's paralyzed army.
Next we read about his single-handed assault on a Philistine observation post at Wadi Suweinet (14:1-14). A small enemy unit was located at the top of a cliff overlooking Israel's army and inhibiting their movement. Jonathan "said to the young man bearing his armor, 'Come, let's . . . go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised fellows. Perhaps the LORD will
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act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the LORD from saving, whether by many or by few.' 'Do all you have in mind,' his armor-bearer said, 'Go ahead; I am with you heart and soul.'"
The two worked their way up the near-vertical cliff and engaged the Philistines in hand-to-hand combat. As the historian put it, the Philistines "fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer . . ." and the two men drove the soldiers off the top of the cliff.
Jonathan saw David take on the giant, saw his unshakable confidence in God, and recognized a kindred soul. He and David looked at things the same way. This was a man he wanted to be around.
I recall a story about General William Westmoreland who was reviewing a platoon of paratroopers during the Vietnam War. As he went down the line he asked each trooper in turn, "How do you like jumping, son?" "I love it, Sir!" each one bellowed. When he came to the end of the line and asked the final soldier how he liked jumping, the man replied quietly, "I hate jumping, Sir." "Then why do you jump?" the astonished general asked. "Because I want to be around guys who jump", he said. That was Jonathan; his man David was a man who "jumped."
A friendship often begins with natural affinity and attraction. We speak of it as "chemistry" as though it's some sort of systemic reaction, but really it's a sharing of common interests and tastes and outlooks on life. You can't force this "knitting" of hearts; it just happens.
Giving
We can quite well give evidence of friendship, and acquire the reputation of kindly feeling, without giving anything.
- Blaise Pascal
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True relationship, a real friendship is more than friendly words, more than fun, more than affinity. It is giving. "Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt" (18:2-4).
This covenant was a commitment to friendship, initiated by Jonathan. Though a mutual pact, Jonathan was clearly the initiator, binding himself to love David, and sealing the covenant with the gift of his armor.
This is more than Jonathan giving the shirt off his back. Swapping armor was an ancient symbolic token of bonding. The same custom appears in Homer's tales.
The imbalance of an exchange suggests the tilt of the relationship: Jonathan gave away his armor; David had no armor to give. David got Jonathan; Jonathan got nothing in return. Which is exactly the point. As friendship grows, friends give themselves away. Jesus said, "Greater love has no man than that he lays down his life for his friends."
Jonathan was a self-effacing friend. There's no suggestion of self-interest in his friendship. David loved Jonathan and tried to reciprocate the friendship, but his love wasn't subjected to the stresses and strains of Jonathan's love.
Jonathan was forced into a clash of loyalties between father and friend, and he had to face the surrender of his royal station, as well as the fact of David's greater brilliance and popularity. By all the rules, Jonathan should have hated and envied David and set his efforts toward sabotaging David's ascent to the throne, but, as the text plainly says, "He loved David as himself." There is no greater love. "It is by loving and not by being loved that one can come nearest to the soul of another," said George McDonald.
Better to love than be beloved
Though lonely all the day.
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Better the fountain in the heart,
Than the fountain by the way.
- George MacDonald
Jonathan's befriending was just what David needed at this stage of his life. The tales of the young shepherd boy and the psalms that he later wrote suggest that he was a profoundly disturbed young man — a neglected child, growing up in a cold and hostile environment, often overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and depression.
But there's a wonderful healing power in affection. Jonathan loved David, believed in him, and sought God's best for him. It was the environment David needed to grow.
Commitment
You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.
- Winnie-the-Pooh
Saul retained David permanently in his service (18:2), and in time Jonathan's love began to pay off. David began shedding his insecurities and showing the stuff of which he was made. "Whatever Saul sent him to do, David did it so successfully that Saul gave him a high rank in the army. This pleased all the people, and Saul's officers as well" (18:5). But it didn't sit well with Saul.
When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with tambourines and lutes. As they danced, they sang:
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"Saul has slain his thousands,
and David his tens of thousands."Saul was very angry; this refrain galled him. "They have credited David with tens of thousands," he thought, "but me only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?" And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David (18:6-9).
Saul's jealousy was what F.B. Meyer called a "hell spark" that should have been trampled under foot, but he let it burn until it turned into white-hot fury that obsessed the king and drove him to try to kill his young rival. Twice, in a fit of rage, he tried to pin David to the wall with his spear, but David evaded him (18:10-11).
The author continues the story with other accounts of palace intrigue and Saul's efforts to do David in by indirect means. Those failing, Saul "told his son Jonathan and all the attendants to kill David" (19:1).
Few of us are ever asked to assassinate a friend, though we may be drawn into efforts to assassinate their character. But Jonathan would not be party to Saul's jealousy:
Jonathan was very fond of David and warned him, "My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. I will go out and stand with my father in the field where you are. [Where he could hear and judge for himself Saul's intentions.] I'll speak to him about you and will tell you what I find out."
Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, "Let not the king do wrong to his servant David; he has not wronged you, and what he has done has benefited you greatly. He took his life in his hands when he killed the Philistine. The LORD
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won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad. Why then would you do wrong to an innocent man like David by killing him for no reason?"
Saul listened to Jonathan and took this oath: "As surely as the LORD lives, David will not be put to death."
So Jonathan called David and told him the whole conversation. He brought him to Saul, and David was with Saul as before (19:1-7).
Saul's insanity and instability during this period drove him to extremes of murderous hatred and overwhelming goodwill. This was one of Saul's better days. Jonathan seized the opportunity to bring about a temporary reconciliation.
Jonathan was able to restore David to the court, but shortly after the reconciliation, Saul decided again to rid himself of his rival:
While David was playing the harp, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.
Saul sent men to David's house to watch it and to kill him in the morning. But Michal, David's wife, warned him, "If you don't run for your life tonight, tomorrow you'll be killed." So Michal let David down through a window, and he fled and escaped (19:9-12).
David fled to Samuel, the old prophet, and found sanctuary in his home (19:18). He may have thought that Saul would honor the prophet and leave him alone. But Saul discovered David's hiding place and came after him, and he was once again forced to run.
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This time he fled to Jonathan: "What have I done?" he asked. "What is my crime? How have I wronged your father, that he is trying to take my life?" (20:1). Jonathan's naiveté and guilelessness is evident in his answer:
"You are not going to die! Look, my father doesn't do anything, great or small, without confiding in me. Why would he hide this from me? It's not so!"
But David took an oath and said, "Your father knows very well that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said to himself, 'Jonathan must not know this or he will be grieved.' Yet as surely as the LORD lives and as you live, there is only a step between me and death" ["one foot in the grave!" we say].
Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you" (20:2-4).
As someone has said, "A friend lives to make life less difficult for another."
David reminded Jonathan of their covenant, which he described as a "covenant of the Lord" (20:8), and he appealed to Jonathan to be loyal to that covenant. (The word translated "show kindness" in 20:8 is the same word used for God's loyalty to his covenants with Israel.) In other words, "Stay with me the way God stays with me." He's one who will never leave us or forsake us, and that ought to be the quality of our commitment to one another.
David then devised a plan to determine Saul's inclination:
"Look, tomorrow is the New Moon festival, and I am supposed to dine with the king; but let me go hide in the field until the evening of the day after tomorrow. If your father misses me at all, tell him, 'David earnestly asked my permission to hurry to Bethlehem, his hometown, because an annual sacrifice is being
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made there for his whole clan.' If he says, 'Very well,' then your servant is safe. But if he loses his temper, you can be sure that he is determined to harm me. As for you, show kindness to your servant, for you have brought him into a covenant with you before the LORD. If I am guilty, then kill me yourself! Why hand me over to your father?" (20:5-8).
Jonathan's answer was a vigorous affirmation of David and promise of loyalty:
"If he is favorably disposed toward you, will I not send you word and let you know? But if my father is inclined to harm you, may the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away safely. May the LORD be with you as he has been with my father. But show me unfailing kindness like that of the LORD as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family — not even when the LORD has cut off every one of David's enemies from the face of the earth."
So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, "May the LORD call David's enemies to account." And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself (20:12-17).
Then Jonathan said,
"The day after tomorrow, toward evening, go to the place where you hid when this trouble began, and wait by the stone Ezel. I will shoot three arrows to the side of it, as though I were shooting at a target. Then I will send a boy and say, 'Go, find the arrows.' If I say
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to him, 'Look, the arrows are on this side of you; bring them here,' then come, because, as surely as the LORD lives, you are safe; there is no danger. But if I say to the boy, 'Look, the arrows are beyond you,' then you must go, because the LORD has sent you away. And about the matter you and I discussed — remember, the LORD is witness between you and me forever" (20:19-23).
So David hid in the field and when the festival came and Saul finally realized that Jonathan had sabotaged his efforts to assassinate David,
Saul's anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, "You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don't I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you? As long as the son of Jesse lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send and bring him to me, for he must die!"
"Why should he be put to death? What has he done?" Jonathan asked his father. But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David [a masterpiece of understatement]" (20:30-33).
Jonathan stalked out in a rage and in the morning went out to the field to meet David. Jonathan and the boy acted out their pre-arranged signal.
Then Jonathan gave his weapons to the boy and said, "Go, carry them back to town."
After the boy had gone, David got up from the south side of the stone and bowed down before Jonathan three times, with his face to the ground.
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Then they kissed each other and wept together — but David wept the most.
Jonathan said to David, "Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the LORD, saying, 'The LORD is witness between you and me, and between your descendants and my descendants forever.'" Then David left, and Jonathan went back to the town (20:40-42).
This is the last of three covenants made between David and Jonathan. These were the commitments that made their relationship secure. They supplied the mutual assurance that neither man would walk out on the other when the going got tough. They loved each other with the Lord's covenant love: he will never leave us nor forsake us no matter what we do.
We must love our friends with his love. Shakespeare said, "Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel."
The spiritual dimension
Twice in this scene Jonathan refers to their covenant of friendship as one centered in the Lord (20:23, 42), introducing the element that makes Christian friendship unique. Men without God can experience deep friendships with much caring and giving. They may even lay down their lives for one another. But the one missing dimension is the spiritual, and it's that dimension our souls thirst for.
We say that friendship is giving with no strings attached. The spiritual element of relationship makes that dimension possible. God's love frees us from inordinate need to be loved in return: "We love because he first loved us," says John (1 John 4:19). Everyone needs love — it's not good to be alone — but knowing that we're deeply loved by God frees us from cursing others with our demands.
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The worst friends are those who need us in the worst sort of way. These are the people who break our backs (and our hearts) with their insatiable need to be loved. (A friend once told me that the way to discern demanding love is to see if one's attitude changes when a friend doesn't come through.)
God's love frees us from our compulsive needs to be accepted and loved and befriended, and sets us free to care about others. We may be hurt by coldness and indifference on their part, but we do not have to be controlled by it.
Strengthening one's grip on God
There is one final meeting. David was in exile, hiding in the Desert of Ziph, where "he learned that Saul had come out to take his life." Jonathan went to Horesh and "helped [David] find strength in God. 'Don't be afraid,' he said. 'My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.' The two of them made a covenant before the LORD. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh" (1 Samuel 23:15-18). David never saw Jonathan alive again.
The significance of this scene lies in this: "[Jonathan] helped David find strength in God," or, more literally, "He helped him strengthen his grip on God."
This is the essence of Christian friendship. Beyond common interests, beyond affection, beyond wit and laughter is the ultimate aim of sowing in others the words of eternal life, leaving them with reminders of God's wisdom, refreshing their spirit with words of his love, and strengthening their grip on God.
Untimely death
Saul and Jonathan died together three months later in the battle of Gilboa. "David took up this lament for Saul and his
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son Jonathan, and ordered that the men of Judah be taught this Lament of the Bow (it is written in the Book of Jashar)":
Your glory, O Israel, lies slain on your heights. How the mighty have fallen!
Tell it not in Gath, proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.
O mountains of Gilboa, may you have neither dew nor rain, nor fields that yield offerings {of grain}. For there the shield of the mighty was defiled, the shield of Saul — no longer rubbed with oil. From the blood of the slain, from the flesh of the mighty, the bow of Jonathan did not turn back, the sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied. Saul and Jonathan — in life they were loved and gracious, and in death they were not parted. They were swifter than eagles, they were stronger than lions.
O daughters of Israel, weep for Saul, who clothed you in scarlet and finery, who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold.
How the mighty have fallen in battle! Jonathan lies slain on your heights. I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother; you were very dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.
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How the mighty have fallen! The weapons of war have perished! (2 Samuel 1:17-27).
"Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women." The Hebrew word here translated "wonderful" means, "that which awakens awe or astonishment" and is used mainly of the mighty historic and cosmic acts of God. As Thoreau said, friendship is "a divine league forever struck."
A friendship like that of Jonathan and David is a gift of God — we must ask God for it and wait. In his time and in his way he may give us a soul mate.
In the meantime, we can be a friend. We can give that gift to another. As the King James Version put it, "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly" (Proverbs 18:24). A friend is not someone who befriends me, but someone whom I befriend. The way to make a friend then is to be one. With that perspective in mind, no one needs to be lonely: the world is full of our friends.
A final word
We long for friends like Jonathan, and it may be that God will give us that gift. But we must know that even the most perfect human friendships cannot completely satisfy. "The human heart has ever craved for a relationship, deeper and more lasting than any possible among men" says Hugo Black.
The limitations of human affection lead to a larger and more permanent love. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother; we have no greater friend (Proverbs 18:24; John 15:13). As Thomas Aquinas said, we should "love Him and keep Him for thy Friend, who, when all go away, will not forsake thee, nor suffer thee to perish at the last."
